The pain of living & being lonely

[AmelieJolie]

i typed up a long load of ramble earlier, but i decided not to post it.

basically the pain of living feels too much at times.

and the loneliness, the isolation feels too much to bare.

the demons of low self-esteem seem too much to overcome. when i've tried to do things in the past, my nerves/ anxiety get in the way, causing a mental block. i've never really got over some of the bad experiences i had growing up, at school, etc not because i can't put it behind me, but because those things have played a part in who i am today; in molding me if you like.

at times i find things which give me strength.

and when i write, it helps me to connect with my higher self.

but other times, it all comes back to what i have said. i am here, i am lonely, i am isolated and have never found an outlet in which to achieve anything or express myself creatively. i want to reach out to people, to help make a difference in the world but i feel helpless to do this, especially with depression in the way- depression directly related to loneliness/ isolation. when i was a little girl, the thing which gave my soul the most joy was singing, but i just wasn't born with a strong enough voice to make anything of.

i just feel trapped.

i'm sorry for whining.

i'm just worried that there might not be a real cure for any of this.

my twin self didn't incarnate at this time. well, that's good for him, but how do i make it alone? i'm just not strong like some people. at the end of the day, i'm a big baby and need intimacy. if i don't have it, i feel i'm dying inside.

[johnasmodeus]

"the pain of living." now where have i heard that before? in my reading! thanks, david.

dude, i've felt it too. i've also felt it as "the pain of separation from god."

the key to depression is to separate yourself from it long enough - by whatever healthy means you find necessary - to teach yourself that it isn't an intrinsic part of your personality. once you learn that it's something you go through, not something you are, you can recognize the triggers and take steps to interrupt the spells when they start to come on.

in my case, 5-htp, magnesium supplements, and a gym membership worked (and still work) wonders. moving to a new country helped as well.

i've also never really gotten over hs or college. memories and regrets still manage to fight their way up into my consciousness, often at the most inappropriate times. most of them concern errors i made or people that i hurt, that would have been easily avoided had i had somebody to encourage and socialize me properly instead of parents who spent most of their time fighting with each other and leaving me to hide from the noise in my room alone. i started to get healthy the minute i left the house, but i was so far behind by that time that i still made (and make) a lot of stupid mistakes. i don't blame myself anymore - those around me might have thought i was ill-intentioned, but the fact of the matter is i just didn't know what i was doing because i had never had people to interact with before.

but still, the memories come back and i'm left sighing, "what a waste of opportunity that was." and i mourn the lost opportunity. and i start feeling depressed ohmigod i'm getting depressed now just thinking of it. time for some exercise, natural sunlight, and fresh air!

just remember: you're not native like these people. they've developed antibodies to the coarseness of this existence that you weren't born with. you need to put forward extra effort not to let this world suck you down like the swamps of despair in the neverending story. devote some time to yourself. go do something that makes you - and only you - happy. connect with people. if you can't do that, find out what you can do to make people want to connect with you (i know this is technically sts philosophy but living in a mixed-polarity density means adopting mixed-polarity measures sometimes). good luck and keep writing - we know what it's like!

[Understanding]

how do you know your twin flame didn't incarnate? you might meet him in the future. i'm not saying for sure....but this seems to be a big deal for you and important for you

[AmelieJolie]

i will keep writing. thank you for holding my hand through this. i really appreciate it right now.


i started to get healthy the minute i left the house, but i was so far behind by that time that i still made (and make) a lot of stupid mistakes. i don't blame myself anymore - those around me might have thought i was ill-intentioned, but the fact of the matter is i just didn't know what i was doing because i had never had people to interact with before.

thank you heaps for sharing this with me. it certainly helps to know i am not entirely alone in these experiences. my story is very similar to this one.
i try not to blame myself but it isn't always easy. i go through these moments periodically where i just seem to beat myself up or feel that there is no way out.

the most difficult thing is not feeling able to truly fit in, through lack of achievement, personal circumstances and having had a slightly vagrant lifestyle since i left home at 17 (i was desperate to leave much earlier than this). i wasn't homeless or anything, thankfully, but have drifted in and out of different things, never truly finding a place to belong. then when i was still trying to figure out what to do, i became pregnant which i know is no-one else's fault......i didn't plan it, but then again i wasn't being careful enough; i'd been in this relationship for several years with a person who has certain commitment issues, even though he is faithful in a physical sense.....he is older than me, but i feel younger in the soul. he reminds me of peter pan, someone who never really wanted to "grow up" or conform. anyhow, the more i am truer to myself and rediscover my spiritual side, the more i find we are totally different (he is totally close-minded). this is something i have been feeling recently in my life, even though it has been dragging on for quite some time. we don't live together anyway, as that didn't work out. but he is a great father and has been my only support network, so i am going to have to look for another support system, if i can reach out to people. i may even have to look at getting a job, though the main thing for me is that my two little boys are happy. and i have to find strength in myself if i am to be strong for them.

i've always been able to form close friendships.....but i've never really got the hang of forming lots of friendships or having lots of friends. the trouble is, when one places all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, and one day looses the whole thing, it's very difficult to carry on in emptiness, not knowing what the future may hold....just not knowing.

sometimes i think if i could just close my eyes and wake up to find myself as a member of a peaceful, spiritual native community living in harmony with nature, then i would feel like i truly belong, and all my problems would be solved.

one thing i've realized since writing this, is that it is time to work on these "demons" (metaphorically) inside me.....to really work on overcoming them. that way i can put them right behind me for once and for all!


understanding,
thank you for your caring optimism on that subject. ;)

later, dudes!

[IAmSaidI]

hi ameliejolie,

there have been a lot of posts lately about loneliness and hopelessness and feelings of paralysis as if movement toward any goal is just a futile effort. i have been in that fugue state. it is as if you’re stuck inside some thick mass that, although odorless and colorless, is as real as a pool full of molasses that you are constantly trying to climb out of.

the amount of postings lately describing these feelings is good; it always helps to write it out and it definitely benefits other readers. but i’m a bit worried about the timing. in autumn people seem to be subconsciously dreading the “long, cold winter.” in these months, it is vital to seek the sun whenever possible and find a green plot to enjoy, even if it means planting or potting an evergreen in or near your home.

i can totally identify with your feelings of isolation and loneliness and have finally managed not to let those feelings depress me. here are a few things that have helped me:

1. whenever i feel stuck, useless, and alone i remind myself that i chose to incarnate into this world at this time and that as long as i’m alive, i have something to contribute. it sounds like you have a very, very important job. you are a mommy! and the fact that you want to make your boys happy is a great thing (i have two boys, too). can you imagine that your boys chose to be with you at this time? (there are truly no accidents : ) can you imagine the amazing gift you can give them that your parents were probably unable to give you – a true understanding of the universe and their place in it?

remember that at this very moment, you are helping to birth the very community you speak of. remember how it was with your babies. even if the thought crossed your mind, you did not give up in the midst of labor and leave the birthing and loving to someone else. it was and is painful, but that open-heart feeling you get when you hold their little faces in your hands and look at their precious eyes is the feeling we can look forward to as we move into the higher dimensions.
2. i never, never compare myself to other people and what they have “accomplished.” this is a very damaging thing to do because it will always seem that others are doing much more than you and that they’re doing it better. in the law of one, ra never diminishes even the smallest of accomplishments (remember, simply meeting a "stranger’s" eyes and smiling is an accomplishment. birthing and loving your babies is a huge accomplishment : ). also, if singing makes you happy, then sing like a bird. you are, in fact, making something of it because it makes you happy. just imagine the beautiful shapes you are creating with the sound of your voice. you don’t have to sound like (insert your favorite vocalist here!)
3. i also have few friends. but i know myself: having more friends would only scatter me more. i would probably find myself bending and swaying to their moods, concerns, and needs, ultimately sucking me more into 3-d and causing me to feel more alone. for now i am content to feel connected through sites such as this, through my dream state activities, in waking moments when i can be of service, and in the knowing of what lies ahead in the higher realms. remember, even when we feel alone, it is impossible to ever truly be physically alone. (it’s a good thing this forum does not include live chat because i suspect a lot of us would become addicted to it and never get our mundane 3-d tasks accomplished!)

4. in times when your soul needs something more than the kinds of things you might find here, let your intuition guide you to things that can help. for me these things vary widely—anything from watching sesame street (seriously) and reading dr. seuss (seriously) to reading the wind in the willows, hawthorne (who can help feel connected to the now), and william faulkner.

thanks for sharing.
much love to you.

[AmelieJolie]

hmmm....this is interesting!

i have just been listening to the radio interview on youtube and this is very relevant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgpcvhcsb6a

i have some spirulina in my cupboard! better start taking it more ;)

and what he is explaining is exactly what i'm going through.

wow.

[AmelieJolie]

thank you for the good advice, iamsaidi. :)

i find that one of my problems is trying to figure out whether there truly is any purpose in this strange, cruel world in which we live.

i find myself stuck in a state of inertia, without any motivation to do anything because i'm not sure whether there is any point or not.

i yearn to go home, to return to my creator, to be immersed in safe, blissful love and light.

i learned some time ago that we cannot change people unless they want to change.

now i'm learning more about the "waves".

and it would seem that life does have meaning.

i want to find out more.

i need to stop running away, hiding myself away from everything in life.

if the truth will set us free, then maybe i can stop repeating these patterns for once and for all. ;)

[AmelieJolie]

*************edited************

[Kenneths149]

i am connected to you for we are ... the community you long for is here. your heart is connected already. i am connected too. i remember once living in community in madoon house combermere. penny was a quiet member of the community who always stood at on e spot in the dining room. she went away and everytime i looked at the spot where she stood i sae penny by her absence. i think i go through many reminders in life that i am more than this expereince. it sometimes come across as the absence and pain of what is missing meaning it is there just away for a time! how long , i don't know... that is a mystery. penny came back. the lesson remained in my heart. whayt i missed was alwys present , i did not know how to interpret it!

[AmelieJolie]

beautiful words, thank you.

[FooSnik]

you took the words right out of my mouth. i have felt that paralyzing depression and that "can't stand to look anybody in the eye" low self esteem. i have a couple of points for thought:

1. it is this very depression which has pushed you to seek answers and led you to find this site. if your life had been happy-go-lucky and normal you most likely would not have become so wise, and come to understand what the earth is going through and what your role in that is to be.

2. something that really helped me was to go see a homeopathic practitioner. she talked with me for about an hour and she chose the right remedy for my particular emotional situation. it has really calmed me down and helped to allow me to open up a little more. it works with your energy and vibrations and has been a great help to me.

it seems that right now we are in a pressure cooker that is forcing us to look inwards and pushing us to our breaking point. in my heart i believe we are not given anymore than we can handle. i hope that helps and i am connected and understand your pain.

[kstar]

thank you for this thread - i can so relate to all of your situations, thoughts and feelings!
now i know i'm with friends - i've been looking for you for a while...you know how hard it is to be 'different'/the odd one out in a family (or everywhere you go as a matter of fact).
my favourite line from a song is "i'm just a soul who's intentions are good - oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood!" - 'cause i have been (a lot).
i've also beat myself up for past errors and still have moments of crushing guilt about things i've done/not done...still working on forgiving self and living in the now instead of past/future.
i really appreciate this advice -


i never, never compare myself to other people and what they have “accomplished.” this is a very damaging thing to do because it will always seem that others are doing much more than you and that they’re doing it better. in the law of one, ra never diminishes even the smallest of accomplishments (remember, simply meeting a "stranger’s" eyes and smiling is an accomplishment.

oh how often i fall in to this 'i'm not good enough' way of thinking - but i sometimes feel good too that i have been able to brighten someone's life with a random act of kindness...i just hope it's 'enough'!

i would be interested in knowing for sure whether i am a 'wanderer' - could anyone help me find more info about this subject please?
in the meantime -

[kstar]

- sorry - hit post reply before i finished! -
thank you - for being here and listening...i love you (i guess that means i love me?? well i'm getting there)

kathy

[Kris]

i would be interested in knowing for sure whether i am a 'wanderer' - could anyone help me find more info about this subject please?


hi kstar

www.llresearch.org calls itself a "home for wanderers" and on that site there is a link entitled "if you feel you are a wanderer". check out carla's channeling of q'uo on a separate link while you're there as well, it's great stuff. you can also get all the law of one books there for free and there is a wanderers handbook.

as far as this amazing site goes, i think you'll probably find there are a lot of wanderers here.

all the best to you and welcome:) .

love kris

[DAB]

http://www.llresearch.org/main.htm

click on the book cover at the bottom of page...
http://www.llresearch.org/images/a_wanderer's_handbook_cover.jpg

just thought i'd add the direct link to the wanderer's handbook.
great excerpts in the first few chapters that are available to peruse : )

glossary for a wanderer’s handbook

foreword: am i a wanderer?

chapter one: being a wanderer

stories
paranormal experiences
ufos in waking and dream state
with a little help from my friends
not belonging
not from around here!

chapter two: the anatomy of separation

separation from family
control issues
physical illness
purpose
mind games

chapter three: agenbite of inwit: persistence of pain

self-doubt
pride and surrender
elitism
psychic greeting
despair
inside the bell jar
spiritual exhaustion

[Kenneths149]

dear friend, i received a call from a friend and i broke down to tears. i seem to be getting more and more sensitive and breaking down to tears. these days .i prefer the tears because the anger is too painfull. i believe that as we are in the radiation zone that david's theories indicate that our souls will also intensify in their receptivity and responses. this is going to cause some flooding , cleansing and perhaps at times overwhelming emotional upheaveal. it is a reflection of the very response's of our planet our " soul mother " for no other name . i believe we are experiencing the same radiation spiritually as we are physically. they are not separate. it means we need to help each other by holding hands like little children and holding on with love , forgetting the words and what not ,they are temporal; love , true love ,the genlte holding of the hands is far more effective and says much more what it means . i am here , i am with you , wait , relax and don't go running off to this or that. stay with me , i know what you need , i am here.

i am in some emotional pain and saddness, broken hearted. i went to see the chiropodist about my soles, dry , pained with the second digit and a fancy word pronation of my big digit toe.i broke down and cried to the chiropodist that what really is the matter is my broken heart! he listened so tenderly. i have no idea why i broke down in his presence. this seems to be happening to me often. it could be anticipatory grief , my dad is dying with pancreatic cancer and we can do nothing more for him. as well we have a long distnace relationship one that has healed with forgivness but functions best by phone . when he passes our mutual contract will be completed and i feel that there is no more that i want to live for , since so much of what i wanted was tied to the unfullfiled family life that was devasted by alcoholism,cancer, death, divorce and mental illness. our collective patterns were so shattering that i am undone as to what beauty there could be in such a shattering. yet beauty there is for they were all agreed upon contracts before this life to full fill this work for the most growth spiritually for all of us concerned. that baffels my consciousness, i could never dsay that till now! my soul can only weep as it needs too! sorrow and tears are gracious gifts of being true sorrow , not maudlin.
dear friend i pray we are onthe same page if not at least in the same canoe and if not we are near by any way i send my small hand out to you hold on we are going throught this together, hold my hand !
kenneths149

[h2ochris]

it is so nice to see other souls step up and care for you and give what advice they can. this is the true meaning of life. i think there are many that feel this way and it should be a red flag. like one person said, you would not seek to experience the truth if you were not feeling this pain. the pain is real; it is in us, mother earth and universe. we as a people have let the truth loose our grips. it is neither my fault nor yours. maybe at one time, who knows? we are co-creators of our existence. this is the greatest power you have. as you learn and realize that your thoughts are you and create the experience you see and how much power truly lies with in you. this life is truly a miracle and we are blessed to be in it. it doesn't matter if it is here or somewhere else. life is energy and it will always be. i am not here to give you advice yet i would love for you to call out to yourself to remember who you are. it is in you and you are connected to all. what you resist..persist. you are love and everything else is an illusion that has covered that up about yourself. may you find peace...may we all!!!!

[kstar]

dear friends,
thank you so much for the welcome and the link to the book - i am going to buy it - i'm sure it will help me.
love and caring thoughts are with all who grieve, are depressed, lonely and/or ill.
kathy

[AmelieJolie]

i can't thank you all enough for your kind words.

i'm going to look into ordering that "wanderer's handbook". :)

if i think about all the things i am into, i realize i just have to be from "out and beyond".

for example, some of my favorite movies are k-pax, the man who fell to earth and powder (esp. powder).

have a nice weekend, everybody. :)

[SuperManny]

thank you so much for the welcome and the link to the book - i am going to buy it - i'm sure it will help me.
kathy

i'm going to look into ordering that "wanderer's handbook". :)
hi kathy and ameliejolie;
i think it's wonderful, if you want to buy this great book, to support the authors for all they have done. however it is completely free in it's entirety, on their website to read or download. so while i am not trying to discourage anyone buying the book, because it is also nice to have an actual physical copy, i just wanted you to be aware that the pdf versions of this and all the ra books are free.
for example, some of my favorite movies are k-pax, the man who fell to earth and powder (esp. powder).yes, indeed, i loved k-pax and powder, and don't forget 'the matrix' trilogy, altho i liked the first one best.:)

[AmelieJolie]

i've just listened to david wilcock's "what is my purpose" reading.

i am blown away.

i feel all light.

thank you, david.

such beautiful music too......really, really soothing.

if any of you who may be reading this have been troubled as i have, this reading really does help.


love and light to all!

[hitmen]

hi ameliejolie,

have you found out your purpose for coming to this earth yet? i personally believe that everyone of us who is spiritually evolved has to live through fairly difficult lives. treat this live as a challenge. be strong.

personally, i do feel lonely as my soulmate and i will only be united when we get older. too many 'coincidences' have informed me of this. anyway, i still strive on because i am aware of my soul purpose and it gives me energy and strength.

for me, i am supposed to be working on my business now. thus, i use it to numb myself whenever i feel lonely.

good luck ameliejolie.

[kstar]

i also bought 'what is my purpose?' - and i don't know why - because a couple of years ago - after several enormous life challenges which pushed me to the edge of suicide, i had a revelation about what my purpose might be - and the following words came through....

'i am so grateful that now i know who i really am - and why i am here. this aspect of my infinite self is here to be of service to others. i am a facilitator - i am here to assist others with their spiritual growth. none of these experiences are about me - i am just here to provide the support that people need to achieve their growth. i do not have to achieve anything - i am a volunteer. my responsibility is to maintain my physical vehicle and emotional stability so as to fulfil my role. therefore, i am able to remain in a position of compassionate observation and to remain unattached to outcomes. thus, i exemplify peace and love. this is my life purpose.'

at the time this was of great comfort to me and gave me a measure of acceptance about everything - but now i quite often question whether this is a 'cop out'? i know it's because of conditioning that people 'should have a job' (something those challenges took away from me) - and i guess it's hard for me to just 'be' instead of 'do'...
anyway, i'm still here, so i know there must be a reason - and i'd like to believe it's what came to me.
can anyone else relate to any of this?
with love to all,
kathy

[AmelieJolie]

are you a wanderer kathy? when i first came across the descriptions of wanderers (some call "starseeds"), i was very surprised as it did sound like me indeed.

sometimes i feel i don't have much to learn, but rather remember.
very often, i will start to read something inspiring and find i don't need to finish it as the rest comes flooding into my own mind spontaneously; all kinds of thoughts, ideas and revelations.

if i do nothing, i stagnate, yet if i begin to do a little, the door seems to unlock to so much hidden, inner wisdom.

i have always been a highly sensitive person, however, and for this reason i have made myself a loner for many years.

if i am to emerge into the world to play more of a part, i do have so much to achieve and overcome. many issues, as my living conditions have brought upon me through the years this terrible depression i suffer from that holds me back greatly. i have met two other people i sense could definitely be wanderers, and they have had depression to. actually, i may know a few more than this. yes, i think i indeed know several people when i think about it, who have or are going through similar experiences.

i just worry that by being depressed and by allowing negative thoughts to conquer, i may hold myself back with bad karma from progressing into the higher dimensions some day where i really long to be.

i just get so claustraphobic sometimes with 4 walls around me and living alone. wouldn't it be great to just sleep under the stars or in a teepee as part of a wise native community?

i have actually met someone very special recently who i seem to have a very deep and powerful connection with, even though i've not known him long. i will need to find out if he's "the one". he may possibly be. :) it's difficult to say right now because i've been through so much, however, something very strange and powerful seems to be happening. i wish i could get some advice on this. i will try meditating on it and praying.
however, the odds are all against us being physically together and it will have to be a long-distance relationship for quite some time, maybe a long time.

time.....oh time. (sigh).

still, i would much rather have a deep connection with someone special over a long distance than someone here who i don't.

in a way, i am very lucky.


love & light.

[AmelieJolie]

julie was a lonely girl
she said she was born that way
she always felt that way
she left home at age sixteen
got a job what you're supposed to do
that's what you've got to do
she fell in love and settled down
in a council place there on the edge of town
she'd feel alone in a crowded room
cry when she heard a happy tune
it would be nice to holiday
till they took her job away
they just took her life away
and doing nothing isn't fun
when you've nothing from witch to run
nowhere left to run
she'd visit the social every day
every time be turned away
every time be turned away
a hundred stairs to her new room
over glass and blackened spoons
children grow old so soon
past the kids who gather there
pain masked by narcotic stares
but no one really cares
her dreams were cut up and bled dry
a million voices in her cry
julie waits, her world is her windows
and julie hates, just what she doesn't know
and julie hates, she hates the world below
but julie loves,
she loves too much to know

[AmelieJolie]

my fear is that the feeling of wholeness and oneness is not something which can be experienced in this particular realm.

tell me if this isn't true.

[johnasmodeus]

my fear is that the feeling of wholeness and oneness is not something which can be experienced in this particular realm.
tell me if this isn't true.

why would you fear this?

[AmelieJolie]

because i've never felt those things in this realm.

but i think i know now what it is i need to learn.
i know what obstacles i need to come.
the difficult thing is trying to overcome it.

i need to learn how to reach out to and connect with others in this life, and be strong enough inside not to let any negativity make me feel insecure.

[yebdox]

i think this has been a very useful and supportive post for all who visit here, and that these feelings are likely much more common than one might suspect.

the perspective that i've developed over the years that feels comfortable to me after reading and meditating on a number of viewpoints from different teachers (including most recently the law of one) is that nearly every experience, thought, or feeling that i've encountered, regardless of its origin, that suggests separation from source is only an illusion. valuable for its opportunity as a learning experience, but still an illusion.

for me, this includes moments of lack of self worth and questioning of my own purpose; comparison to the accomplishments and worth of others; feelings of being punished or of separation from others, from life, from success, from source/god/the higher self; the idea that my own happiness must somehow be put on hold because of the different or special nature of my life this time around (teacher, care-giver, son, husband, incompetent boob:), "star-born", liberal, "different", more sensitive, or just plain old martyr, etc.)

if i really want to wallow in it, i will tell myself that i'm special in a way that excuses my upset and sensitivity to this harsh period in the history of this planet and this civilization. but, when i step back, i realize that that's just another way to create separation from source. in the first place, by deciding that others, while rightfully on a different path, are somehow less aware or less worthy, so that this rough existence is okay for them, but not for me. secondly, by longing for an existence that i feel to be true in more refined realms and feeling as though i'm on some nightmare vacation from hell, or doing my time as a noble spirit warrior to help these "slow" beginners. :) this fosters a false sense of separation, from god and nearly everyone else on this planet, that is unhelpful to me and places my happiness outside of my control, at some undefined point in the future. a future that is in the hands of god, fate, karma or whatever or whoever i've decided is running the show this week, but certainly never by me! :)

while i think it's important to examine the circumstances we have chosen to create (or accept) for this particular life, i'm not comfortable with the idea that, at any given time or in any particular life, we are ever further away from god/source/higher self than at any other time. i think there are an infinite number of ways in which to challenge ourselves, or "put the blinders on" to exercise our ability to connect with source and begin to express and direct it. i think that is one of the incredibly beautiful aspects of this whole game, how it all fits so well, how it serves us in any capacity we ask, how it let's us create the most perfect process of self-discovery imagineable.

if we had to be spoon-fed wisdom about our connection to source, our purpose in this existence and told who, when, where and what to see and know about our connection with everything else around us, how valuable would that be, compared to making each and every one of those realizations on our own, painful and costly as that might be?

life is an unbelievable gift. i'm learning to be more and more grateful for every moment of pain i've experienced ( and caused), every moment of disbelief that has led me astray, every gentle nudge from my higher self in the right direction, every connection i've ever felt with anyone and anything, as well as the pain of confrontation with those beings who refuse their connection and try desperately and forcefully to get you to agree.

i agree with other writers in this post, there really can be no mistakes in how our lives unfold. if it all leads ultimately to source, how can anything we choose to experience be considered a mistake? as wayne dyer likes to ask, "where is god not?" or, to paraphrase part of conversations with god, nothing is really right or wrong, good or bad, but if you are really trying to become who you say you are, then there may be better choices and easier paths to take.

this website draws many bright, kindred spirits, from what i can tell, and there is obviously much love offered up here, as we share our learnings with each other. my own path is really all up to me, but the connection offered here through the words of others is more testimony to me, as i hope it is to you, of the truth of our connection to source.

ameliejolie, i think you are perfect where you are, doing exactly what you need to do, to become who you came here to be! it really is all good. as i read back over this, i'm reminded that i write this as much or more for myself. thanks for indulging me.:)

dw

[MarkM]

if i really want to wallow in it, i will tell myself that i'm special in a way that excuses my upset and sensitivity to this harsh period in the history of this planet and this civilization. but, when i step back, i realize that that's just another way to create separation from source. in the first place, by deciding that others, while rightfully on a different path, are somehow less aware or less worthy, so that this rough existence is okay for them, but not for me.

i was the type of kid who would always be late for school on a rainy day, because i was compelled to pick up all the earthworms on the sidewalk and throw them back into the grass for fear of them getting mashed.

i had a friend who i admired and respected a great deal, and one day while hiking through the bush he picked up a bullfrog, tossed it into the air and smashed it with a baseball bat. my hot tears of shock and hurt did not go unnoticed by him, and i sensed thereafter that he took my reaction as a wimpy weakness, while i took his action for callous indifference to life. i felt somewhat separate from him after that.

as a young man, newly married and beginning to raise a family, i went through a period of despair over the state of the world and the appalling suffering of man and nature. i was aware that people around me went about their lives seemingly unaffected by these things, concerned, it seemed, only with their own small orbit of influence.

i felt it my duty to dwell upon these things and worry about them, and sank into a dark pit of misery. reading edgar cayce really helped me out, concepts of karma and reincarnation served to make the suffering, death and enviromental degradation seem a little less absolute or permanent.

lately have come concepts of the law of one and ideas of equal and opposite polarity of the service to others path and the service to self path.
still trying to reconcile such terrible suffering in the world to myself, i gained a bigger picture of the evolutionary purpose of this world, and all that goes on here.

all separation from source is an illusion. all suffering is a result of this illusary separation.

does it follow, then, that all suffering is an illusion? from one frame of reference, perhaps. but i don't think i could look a starving child in the eye and tell him that. suffering is real enough that the 'brothers and sisters of sorrow' (or wanderers and others of those who are moved by the calls of those suffering on earth) come to offer their help.

i have come to see a little more clearly the divine purpose of 3d existence, of how suffering is seemingly an unavoidable although impermanent part of growth here. and i can see how suffering can be said to be part of the plan of the creator.

but i can discern a potential pitfall here, as mentioned in the quote above. one may come to look at the entire pageant as only that - an illusary production that one may be tempted to feel detached from, saying, "none of this suffering is real, everyone brings their own suffering upon themselves, it's their own fault, it's only temporary for their own becoming, a result of their own refusal to rise above the human miasma - it's god's will."

i have become aware of my own tendency to try to detach in such a way, perhaps in an attempt to ameliorate my own lifelong sense of pain which results from experiencing the pain of others...seeking justification for insulating myself from the suffering in the world.

i have a son involved with gang related activities, a very angry, troubled young man who can be very difficult to be around. he has refused utterly to accept any form of authority in his life from the start.

he was severely beaten in the head with a baseball bat last month, and is lucky to be alive. i am aware that he is in my life for a reason, he is like a polar opposite to me. i feel i have learned more about unconditional love, dedication to service and acceptance of the other self just in time in his case, and offer him something beyond words to describe; but involving total acceptance of his chosen path. i sense also that he has helped catalyze me into the realization of oneness; and, in this case, the total necessity of total acceptance of (other) self.

***

i must remind myself that regardless of whether i am a wanderer or not (i can't say for sure, and maybe it's not all that important) i am here in the trenches with everyone else. while i'm here, i am here. i am an intrinsic member of the human body; not special, apart nor elite or separate in any sense. i can accept the suffering in the world and see it's part in the divine cosmos, but i do remain extremely sensitive and empathetically compassionate to suffering.

and only thus may compassion be a tool for doing my little part to lighten the load of those who haved moved into my circles of experience/service.

to have been blessed to have come into some understanding of the mechanics of the cycles of becoming, comes with the responsibility of actively intervening in the everyday issues of life here, of doing my best to aid wherever my aid is accepted. there is no shortage of conditions involving those around me where i may be of service.

sometimes the compassionate desire to serve coupled with the ability to see other 'i' as 'i' and having unconditional love and acceptance of the other selves' paths provides a channel for 'divine intervention' into the lives of others. this aid doesn't come from me or you, though you or me can indeed act as a conduit for blessing through our own humble loving attempts at service. when one calls for help from above, it may be that it is you who is the 'angel' that is sent.

granted there are times in our lives when we may need to withdraw a little from the world to regroup our energies or re-sharpen our focus on love/light. but the lifeguard, ever vigilant, must be able to jump right in when the need arises.

perhaps it is true that the greatest service of a lightworker is to channel light/love energy into the light body of the earth-sphere at large. it would seem from the workings of ra that an awakening wanderer naturally fulfills this function by virtue of his higher density heritage. one nevertheless considers that the tiniest bit of the creation/creator is as valuable as the creator/creation itself, and as such is worthy of the entirety of the compassionate, loving and wholly focused attention of that which is the all in one.


who of us could do any less? who is any less?:d

[Spiral of Light]

thank you, yebdox and markm, for awesome posts.

...so much food for thought here.

with much love and light,
nancy

[jdlejeune]

i must say that this discussion has really hit home with me.

i regularly feel torn between all that is going on "out there" and what my role in it is. i regularly share my findings about tinfoil stuff with friends via email and my facebook account in hopes that i can somehow wake others up to "reality". then i have this other part of me that craves it's own attention and demands spiritual fulfillment through buying countless books, seminars...etc. it plays into the materialist side that wants all this stuff in order to feel better.

at times i have longed to bring it all into one package "for the greatest good of all" and wonder what exactly this package would be like.

i guess for now i continue to read, learn and love as best i can.

[vithar]

i 've seen more posts about these kinda issues here than in any other forum i've participated in.
anyway, being lonely. i think i can actually say, "what do you know about being lonely"? i've had no real friends or family for 20 years. i've been single and celibate (no dating or socializing, none) for 25.
i don't miss it for the most part. it mostly seems to lead to trouble.
and personal mission/path/calling/purpose? alas, the fact is many folks are pretty ordinary - limited (and lost).
they're basically stuck in a world with smart, rich beautiful people.

it's a matter of being under your rock, and feeling ok about it.

ideas.

of course a major issue here is whether you've got your basic needs covered.
a roof, food, a job etc. more specifically, if you will have these in the years to follow.
some folks live their entire lives in survival mode.

i feel for folks who don't have hobbies and the like. if you can't be alone on a saturday night. well, to me, this is like a drug addiction.

[remembering]

hello,

boy it has been a while since i've been here. i suppose by my 'finding' this post here is one of the major reasons 'why' i am here.

i certainly feel much of what is being mentioned here even though; i am observing some changes in my reality, especially as of late.

for me; it is feeling like i am at the tip of the spiritual arrow as i call it and i sometimes wonder what to do and what is my role.

i pretty much keep to myself even though; i am finding myself more inclined to venture out of the nest more and more. yet; to venture out certainly means for me not to venture out into the "status quo" of the reality that i once participated in yet; to find that certain aspect of the parts of me that i am when i am in solititude.

namaste,
tim

[Bill]

kathy,

this is in response to your post. glad to see i am not the only one out there wondering about purpose, and if i am crazy as many would have me believe.

i was laid off 4 years ago from a major corporation after 18+ years. i mention that only as a point of reference... i was in the mindset of working for a great, notable company, and having a life long experience of being there. but towards the end of my years there, i sensed that i would not be retiring there, not in the classical sense. i also began to realize that i would not make it to 20 years there. so, in the years before i was laid off, i really ramped up my questioning, my wondering about my purpose, and remember asking myself if i really wanted to continue doing the work i was doing... and the answer was a simple, large, sighful... no...

i am an engineer by training, and love using my mind to figure out puzzles and how to build something from an idea, and to figure out how other people built things. as i like to call it, i am naturally inquisitive... that is my answer to why i ask so many 'stupid questions'. while the logical mind has been a challenge into living the spiritual experience... very challenging... it has also helped, ironically. i really embraced my desire and understanding of spirituality because of the engineering...

i sensed that there was something else, some other reason for being here, and as an engineer, was inspired to look for proof. i know that proof is not required, but again, i am a logical thinking engineer... and, i started to see research and answers showing up in physics that supported a spiritual explanation... i started to see spiritual answers in everyday life... i even saw similarity in the spiritual books i read, from the "celestine prophecies", to "conversations with god", "the third millennium", "the law of one" series and even in traditional self-help books like "from coach to awakener". heck, even my getting laid off came from a spiritual experience... i was talking with a life long friend on a saturday, and the message 'i am getting laid off this week' came out of my mouth without any thought or effort. i realized after i said it where the message came from... and that monday morning, i got the call...

so, i have spent the last 4+ years now trying to figure out 'what to do'... i have not had a paycheck in 4 years, and yet the money continues to show up. i believe that i am here to assist others in similar situations wake up to the messages they have been hearing as well, and i think my background in engineering is the perfect background to help them... to be able to put together a logical picture to help them understand. i realize that my purpose is not to change them... as i have mentioned to a friend several times, and a quote that i like to share... 'tis my job to shine the light, not to tell you what to see'.

many times in the last 4 years i have wondered if the emperor is really wearing clothes, and i just don't see it. but, i have seen enough coincidences, experienced enough joyful spiritual moments to know that i am on 'my right path', and find less concern, and more joy, in continuing down this path, even though i do not know what the next steps should be, or that i do not have a plan set in concrete to get me 'there', wherever that is. so, my blessings to you, and comfort in aiding you on your journey. remember, it is the journey that is the reason, not the destination.

[jamiebonnie]

ameliejolie,

i hear ya! i am blessed to have jame, but when work has him gone alot, it is hard at times. the lonely part. being a stay at home mom, and then friends and family who think you've fallen off your rocker (which doesn't bother me anymore-they have the free will to think whatever they choose; i'll just keep loving them the best way i can :) ) makes it a tad lonely too. especially when one loves to chit chat!
i just cancelled my space, cuz i was getting too many negative things, otherwise i would've added you in a heartbeat! i am in live journal. in a community that was part of our journey in getting here, and we're so happy to be here. everyone of you is about compassionate caring love! :) and i can't help but love you all from the bottom of my heart!
i know when we look at our children, we think, wow, little kindred spirits that have been here before (still learning). and then trying to teach them and still not take their free will away. at moments when they are whining etc., i have come up with telling them that they have choices. i'll tell them a positive choice, and then a negative. they always choose the positive! phew! :) perhaps you have advice on this too! and i'm learning more and more to stop and enjoy all the moments our children give us when it comes to laughter or smiles! the other day, i was in the music store looking for pride and prejudice soundtrack when over the loudspeakers came this old 90's dance hit, and brandon-6 started to do this breakdance in the middle of the store. :o he never wants to dance with us girls, and he'll only do the waltz with me for two minutes. :) so i was shocked to see him dancing like that. i was told to stop and just watch and enjoy every moment of it!
definitely food helps too. organic/natural if you can! and as much of it alive! efa's are good brain food too, just watch out for a good product. i could direct you to mercola.com to order some if you want good quality and without mercury and such! his newsletters teach you alot too about health!
definitely the sun (sunning with your eyes closed), and anything from creation! right now, i can't wait till winter passes by, cuz i'm wanting so bad to start digging and planting in the ground! so everytime i go grocery shopping, i'm coming home with plants. :o jame just shakes his head when i come home!
and exercise! i found a good yoga video for stress relief. even though you don't get a good detox by sweating, you do get the stretching that releases stress from your muscles! and it touches on breathing and focusing!
and i find music helps huge!
and then there is always our infinite creator through prayer!
i still have much to learn on meditating, and everything else. i'm overwhelmed at this very moment! where do you start!?
as far as being a wanderer, my only clues come from my puppy! yea. it sounds strange. but by reading her body language, and knowing her reactions to things, the only clues i have were some huge transportation, and white. i know she was looking at something and scared, but i couldn't see it. she kept stopping and looking back. so who knows. i just heard david talking about his friends dream, and how an old man wore white, and then it was like something poked me and said that's what it was. so who knows for sure. life is full of surprises lately.
blessings of love and joy to you and all,
bon

[estopatitiana]

from amelie jolie "sometimes i think if i could just close my eyes and wake up to find myself as a member of a peaceful, spiritual native community living in harmony with nature, then i would feel like i truly belong, and all my problems would be solved."

you can be that person that starts to live in harmony with nature, if you have any yardspace, put out a birdfeeder, plant some flowers, or whatever! it may seem small, but at least you know you are giving back to the earth rather than taking, go out and enjoy what beauty you have around you, even if there are no mountains or any real scenery, hey i live in illinois surrounded by nothing but corn! but if you look you can find those untouched jewels

on davids blog he has something about the 12 step process edgar cayce talked about, that was a good start for me. keep your head up and try and be patient with yourself, thats my biggest obstacle. interpreting your dreams might help too!

from mark m "i was the type of kid who would always be late for school on a rainy day, because i was compelled to pick up all the earthworms on the sidewalk and throw them back into the grass for fear of them getting mashed."
amen brother, i just have to say i know exactly how you feel, and it feels great to admit it. ive never known anyone like this except my twin bro. i even try to avoid driving at night if i can on summer nights, ive found you will hit less bugs before 8 pm and after 11pm, in the midwest at least, i know, i am crazy.

many blessings, everyone!

[AmelieJolie]

thank you, everyone, for your wonderful replies.


yeah, mark- i hear you about the worms. ;)

once, as a little girl, i rescued a bee. seemed to have trouble flying so i provided food and shelter until he felt better, and he did get better. bees have such adorable faces if anyone has ever noticed. quite human like in a way.
i read somewhere here that bees were once known as the "tears of ra".


perhaps it is true that the greatest service of a lightworker is to channel light/love energy into the light body of the earth-sphere at large. it would seem from the workings of ra that an awakening wanderer naturally fulfills this function by virtue of his higher density heritage. one nevertheless considers that the tiniest bit of the creation/creator is as valuable as the creator/creation itself, and as such is worthy of the entirety of the compassionate, loving and wholly focused attention of that which is the all in one.
sounds good to me. ;)

i have often felt, when walking alone amongst the trees, that i needed to do something, to find a way, to give healing energy to our beautiful planet earth.

i wish i could find and meet up with others who feel exactly the same way.

not being able to drive is quite restrictive. :(
i have considered taking driving lessons (which are overly expensive here), but i can't help but think i'm probably not suited to it. i'm the sort of person constantly living in a "world of my own". ;) (i've never needed drugs. we can get "high" naturally).

[AmelieJolie]

estopatitiana,

you can be that person that starts to live in harmony with nature, if you have any yardspace, put out a birdfeeder, plant some flowers, or whatever! it may seem small, but at least you know you are giving back to the earth rather than taking, go out and enjoy what beauty you have around you, even if there are no mountains or any real scenery, hey i live in illinois surrounded by nothing but corn! but if you look you can find those untouched jewels

by the way, sorry i don't always have the time to reply to each person individually, but i feel, that basically, we are all united in a common goal.

enlightenment and world healing.

:)

[AmelieJolie]

i think this has been a very useful and supportive post for all who visit here, and that these feelings are likely much more common than one might suspect.

the perspective that i've developed over the years that feels comfortable to me after reading and meditating on a number of viewpoints from different teachers (including most recently the law of one) is that nearly every experience, thought, or feeling that i've encountered, regardless of its origin, that suggests separation from source is only an illusion. valuable for its opportunity as a learning experience, but still an illusion.

for me, this includes moments of lack of self worth and questioning of my own purpose; comparison to the accomplishments and worth of others; feelings of being punished or of separation from others, from life, from success, from source/god/the higher self; the idea that my own happiness must somehow be put on hold because of the different or special nature of my life this time around (teacher, care-giver, son, husband, incompetent boob:), "star-born", liberal, "different", more sensitive, or just plain old martyr, etc.)

if i really want to wallow in it, i will tell myself that i'm special in a way that excuses my upset and sensitivity to this harsh period in the history of this planet and this civilization. but, when i step back, i realize that that's just another way to create separation from source. in the first place, by deciding that others, while rightfully on a different path, are somehow less aware or less worthy, so that this rough existence is okay for them, but not for me. secondly, by longing for an existence that i feel to be true in more refined realms and feeling as though i'm on some nightmare vacation from hell, or doing my time as a noble spirit warrior to help these "slow" beginners. :) this fosters a false sense of separation, from god and nearly everyone else on this planet, that is unhelpful to me and places my happiness outside of my control, at some undefined point in the future. a future that is in the hands of god, fate, karma or whatever or whoever i've decided is running the show this week, but certainly never by me! :)

while i think it's important to examine the circumstances we have chosen to create (or accept) for this particular life, i'm not comfortable with the idea that, at any given time or in any particular life, we are ever further away from god/source/higher self than at any other time. i think there are an infinite number of ways in which to challenge ourselves, or "put the blinders on" to exercise our ability to connect with source and begin to express and direct it. i think that is one of the incredibly beautiful aspects of this whole game, how it all fits so well, how it serves us in any capacity we ask, how it let's us create the most perfect process of self-discovery imagineable.

if we had to be spoon-fed wisdom about our connection to source, our purpose in this existence and told who, when, where and what to see and know about our connection with everything else around us, how valuable would that be, compared to making each and every one of those realizations on our own, painful and costly as that might be?

life is an unbelievable gift. i'm learning to be more and more grateful for every moment of pain i've experienced ( and caused), every moment of disbelief that has led me astray, every gentle nudge from my higher self in the right direction, every connection i've ever felt with anyone and anything, as well as the pain of confrontation with those beings who refuse their connection and try desperately and forcefully to get you to agree.

i agree with other writers in this post, there really can be no mistakes in how our lives unfold. if it all leads ultimately to source, how can anything we choose to experience be considered a mistake? as wayne dyer likes to ask, "where is god not?" or, to paraphrase part of conversations with god, nothing is really right or wrong, good or bad, but if you are really trying to become who you say you are, then there may be better choices and easier paths to take.

this website draws many bright, kindred spirits, from what i can tell, and there is obviously much love offered up here, as we share our learnings with each other. my own path is really all up to me, but the connection offered here through the words of others is more testimony to me, as i hope it is to you, of the truth of our connection to source.

ameliejolie, i think you are perfect where you are, doing exactly what you need to do, to become who you came here to be! it really is all good. as i read back over this, i'm reminded that i write this as much or more for myself. thanks for indulging me.:)

dw

yebdox, excellent post, thanks for sharing.

[Kenneths149]

i finished reading the last post about looking out side at nature and seeing what i can learn . i recently retired from teaching and that has been a major adjustment for me . i often feel lonely, awkward and out of place with my self . i am rather perplexed because it feels like i am overwhelmed and it is hard to remain intellectually objective;the feelings are baffling.
the great little sparrows that come to my balcony to eat each day have been my teachers. first they are funny to watch in a beautiful way,soft, gentle, grooming themselves(humor). they only eat a little bit no matter how much i put out... moderation i suppose ... i have to remember their crop is small, they can only handle a little, then they go on their way to come back later for refueling... they hang out togeher ( community ) and chirp alot... (communicate). they are also very still at times( meditate) .
they inspired me to read "zen and the birds of appetite by thomas merton." there (p. 6)i discovered a way to see my mind like a "mirror" and
if i could accpet what the mirror reflects with out judgment i would be free in my mind i would have a great measure of detachment and let the things that rise up pass... like in a mirror's reflections they come and they go. these little sparrows save me from many great worries that fuel many of my emotional anxieties, reflections in my mirror that i am obsessive over , fears , doubts and cares. but those things ,they come and they go.
i wish to be simple like my little friends the sparrows they get what they can eat and they are free to fly and explore life,
i get what i want and need and still want more and i end up stuck...sparrows are great teachers not to be under estimated is their genius and nature.

[MarkM]

hey, ken.

mum and dad are in florida 'til mid march, and i go over every day to fill the bird feeder and feed the feral cats that haunt the back yard. oh, and shovel snow, to make the place look lived in.

a gang of sparrows hangs out, invisible, in the cedar hedge, waiting until i fill the feeder; and as i retreat inside the house i was born into and watch out the window, i delight in watching them do their relay thing, in groups of three, swarming the feeder and sending me a sublime, hard to notice wave of gratitude, remembering me from the many years past that i have performed this service at this time of year.

there is an opossum that the cats allow to feed at the kitty chow dishes. dad succeeded in photographing him in december, as he shelters under an overturned wheelbarrow outside the back door, and as such was a captive subject of dad, who lowered his camera into the snow tunnel that leads to the sanctuary. i have't seen him, but i know he's still around due to his distinct paw signature in the snow.

this is the first year that we have ever seen an opossum here, they have ranged as far up as lake simcoe, apparently, and it is nice that this brave vanguard of the northern rangers has frequented mum and dad's back yard.

an aside to kris, my much beloved friend who has flown to la to experience the conscious life expo there this weekend: all is well at your house, i let cookie in this morning and filled his and alana's food dish, filled the water dish and drank the rest of your juice. (i know you will get to a terminal and read this!) i see you didn't use my big suitcase after all!;)

i wish i was there with you. call me!! and say hey... to david for me.

ken, you're just down yonge from me.. let's do coffee or something. (i'm in richmond hill.)

much love, mark

[AmelieJolie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-moevw_r_4

"invincible"

follow through
make your dreams come true
don't give up the fight
you will be alright
'cause there's no one like you in the universe

don't be afraid
what your mind conceives
you should make a stand
stand up for what you believe
and tonight
we can truly say
together we're invincible

during the struggle
they will pull us down
but please, please
let's use this chance
to turn things around
and tonight
we can truly say
together we're invincible

do it on your own
it makes no difference to me
what you leave behind
what you choose to be
and whatever they say
your souls unbreakable

during the struggle
they will pull us down
but please, please
let's use this chance
to turn things around
and tonight
we can truly say
together we're invincible
together we're invincible

during the struggle
they will pull us down
please, please
let's use this chance
to turn things around
and tonight
we can truly say
together we're invincible
together we're invincible

[Kenneths149]

thank you mark for the awareness of gratitude in the great little teachers our sparrows . please write me mark and we can do coffee i have time now ! i wish i could go to the conference too!
ameliejolie i also found the song words so helpful empowering . i will type them out. they remind me of a recent event that one friend was at involving an art exhibition where i was honored with 3 minutes of my work showing on the slide screen. after the slide show she came up to me and said " just believe in your self". it is important to believe the positive. i suffered from being a chamelion so i did not know who was the real kenneth trying to blend in always. i know i suffer from a negativity affecting me( depression) and that doing anything ... creative helps me to build positive affect. i also found david's reading on the leaks in our aura helpful and the effects of those factors that cause energy leaks. i will relisten review that reading. i am very thankful for this post to share and articulate our thoughts that can help us build community , compassion and service , a place to chirp, chatter and be.
i think there are many things we don't articulate and that causes us more pain. communicatiing allowes windows of light in our journey and friendship to grow.
thank you dc.

[Debbie]

kenneths149, i was wondering where i could find david's reading on leaks in our aura? i feel that might be very useful for me to read, if you have the info. thanks in advance. :)

[SuperManny]

you can find the entire article here, (http://www.divinecosmos.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=351&itemid=70)
and the following is what i think kenneth was referring to.


holes in your aura

there is no accident that the lack of healthy boundaries can provide, if you will, a tap, much like you might see a small nail driven into the side of the maple tree with a spigot then inserted.

[this is] so that during maple season, buckets can be hung from each tree to collect the sap as it flows freely, while the tree is trying to feed itself. and that sap may in turn be boiled down to the delicious maple syrup that you are familiar with.

many, many souls at this time, and particularly those who are of the lightworker variety, have such holes in their aura, and there is such an energetic tap of slow energy streaming out in such a form.

[Greywolf69]

i have felt the pain of living and being lonely. all i have really wanted in life, before i knew what i know now, was a best friend to love and love me ... to grow with and share my experiences with. although most of what i want has changed, that is one thing that remained constant. but, for me, when i do find a best friend, i always become the "friend" ... no more, no less. i have lost a few friends this way. so, out of the few friends that i did have, that number dwindled down. i guess, from each of those friendships, there was a lesson i was to learn, although at that time, i didnt realize it (thats what i feel anyway). although i still yearn and long for that friend (the one i wanted doesnt want me ... oh well ... no more massages for her. = p), life goes on, and so must i. i guess there is so much more i can focus on ... and plenty of other women to love. now, only if i can find the one that can tolerate me and love me for who i am and the love i have to give.
hmm ... maybe i am supposed to feel this and realize that i am loved and am constantly surrounded by love. (im thinking with my fingers in this thread).