friend or foe?

[kac527]

i've been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life that i've called "friends". i've had issues with co-dependency in my past and as i grown a bit older, i've become very aware of this problem i tend to have and i'm much more able to control (most of the time).
i've recently realized that over the past year or so i've begun to literally cut people out of my life. people whom i've attracted, for whatever reason, that have been toxic in my life. now here's the thing... two of these people in particular i've literally cut off because otherwise they would have continued to be a very negative and toxic presence in my life because that's just who they are. i was well aware of their negativity in the past but part of me was trying to "set a good example" for them and make their life better by helping them to see things in a more positive light. well, it didn't work. the thing that has me a bit upset is that i never told them any of this because for one i knew they wouldn't have any idea what i was talking about, and two, it was much easier for me to simply never call them back, not ever. has anyone else gone through a similar experience? i know these two female friends of mine probably "hate" me but i just got to the point where i couldn't take it any more.
i've gotten very sensitive to negative energy and it makes me want to run away as fast as i can. so i'm purging people from my life, one at a time, but i'm wondering if i should be handling this differently. am i creating negative karma?

kelly

[MarkM]

you are totally allowed to do this, kelly, with honest explanation and goodwill to whomever, imo.

just be sure it's right for you, and not a reactive, temporary backlash scenario. these can fool you, talking from experience.:)

-mark

[johnasmodeus]

you're completely within your rights as a human being to decide with whom you will share the finite amount of time you have been given in this life. besides, what you see as a complete separation may turn out to be temporary. people change, meet again, old relationships find new life all the time. don't take too much responsibility upon yourself.

[transiten]

hi

if you allow pple to hurt you, you hurt yourself, and since we're all part of creation you must put healthy boundaries. that is a gift to your ex-friends so they can grow too. if you love them, set them free, otherwize your risk ending up hating them. talking from my own experience

liliane

[Art]

kelly,

i've had to do this too, and recently i might add.

i can sense negative energy from certain people - sometimes i choose to run, sometimes i choose to stay, with the knowledge that it can only affect me if i am either unaware of it (which isn't the case if i sense it) or allow it to affect me. alot of us have been blindsided - ever just "get in a bad mood", for whatever reason? that seems to happen more than i'd like to admit, however, i try not to dwell on things. just experience and move on.

hindsight is always 20/20. if you have done something you regret, forgive yourself and seek the wisdom from that experience. only you can judge whether you are handling this correctly or not - our opinions help, but only if they resonate...

sometimes you just have to say enough is enough. you won't be doing anyone good if you get dragged down for too long. i've had this happen to me before. also, you can't really "help" someone that won't help themselves first.

i don't think you are creating negative karma, just as long as you are not intentionally hurting someone...

hoping these words bring you some comfort.

art

[FooSnik]

here is a magnet that i have on my refrigerator that, i think, fits this situation perfectly:


i judge no one; however, i choose to disassociate myself from those who create disharmony in my life.

maybe a touch of raw honesty will do you and them some good but you are not obligated at all to do so. i think you are perfectly fine just disassociating yourself the way you did.

good luck, your friends will make it eventually and you are a strong person to have made that decision.

:)

[butterfriends]

i completely agree with what people have already said. i too went through a period of this, one of the people i disassociated myself from was my sister - very hurtful but very necessary - perhaps it will be temporary i don't yet know.

for me finding out i was expecting a baby was the catalyst for this process - it was a very very positive thing for me to do, i hope you find likewise kelly.

[SuperManny]

it's been said that anyone can find out what kind of character a person has by simply looking at the people you hang out with. now of course if they're immediate family, that's different, but i think you actually have a responsibility to not hang out with people who habitually drag you down.
... i know these two female friends of mine probably "hate" me but i just got to the point where i couldn't take it any more... ...
kelly

sounds like maybe you haven't quite made peace with yourself. don't worry too much about what they think, because you have no control over that. i'm pretty sure they don't "hate" you, tho, 'cause you seem like a really sweet person. :)

it is important, however that you forgive yourself and accept what happened, bless it and release it, whether or not you feel like you did something wrong. just make peace within yourself, and allow them the freedom to think whatever they want to about the situation.

[meganarline]

i agree with pretty much everything said. i have had the same thing happen where i have had to distance my self from friends because they were miserable.

i have another question though. where i work when i originally started the boss's daughter in law was working there. she's a very negative, drama queen, prone to temper tantrums and the like. although i didn't have to work my whole day with her i did have to deal with her and i would always end up being the "listener" to all of her problems. she did have a lot of catalyst going on and i was definitely sympathetic to her issues but she was just hard to be around.

she ended up quitting her job and hasn't been there for the past year.

now i just found out that he has hired her back. i'm torn. she is a really hard person to be around. but i am also thinking that she must be showing up for a reason. i have found that if i treat her with respect but basically let her know that i am not "taking sides" and do not want to get involved in all her drama then she actually can be a nice person. i do try to see the love in the situation but it can be difficult when she is screaming at the top of her lungs to her mother about some unfair situation.

i've been thinking of looking for a new job, but this job fits right now in being flexible for me which i need due to other issues in my life.

on the other hand, obviously she is showing up to reflect some part of me that i need to deal with right? if i don't work it out with her, will she just show up as some other shape and form?

megan

[transiten]

hi kac..

perhaps you could track down this fear you have from early childhood. it often helps to understand from where the feelings emanate. then you must do the work and process of going through the feelings, release them, forgive yourself and your friends and "let it be, let it be let it be, let it be. speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

transiten

[Kris]

the thing that has me a bit upset is that i never told them any of this because for one i knew they wouldn't have any idea what i was talking about, and two, it was much easier for me to simply never call them back, not ever.
kelly

hi kelly

first off, let me say i think you are very brave for being able to cut people out of your life that are "toxic". i know from experience it is not an easy thing to do. i still have friends that i wish i was brave enough to cut off.

what seems to be bothering you is that you say you took the easy route out and did not explain to them why you have cut them out of your life. i can understand this as it is not easy to explain to people who do not look at themselves in a negative light without coming off as being superior.

i think unless these two friends are still trying to contact you, you should just forgive yourself and them and move forward. however, if they are still trying to contact you, perhaps you should try to explain your reasoning. perhaps they can learn from it. it may open the door for an interesting discussion.

if not, you have tried and you have no reason to feel badly. :)

[Kris]

i have another question though. where i work when i originally started the boss's daughter in law was working there. she's a very negative, drama queen, prone to temper tantrums and the like. although i didn't have to work my whole day with her i did have to deal with her and i would always end up being the "listener" to all of her problems. she did have a lot of catalyst going on and i was definitely sympathetic to her issues but she was just hard to be around.

on the other hand, obviously she is showing up to reflect some part of me that i need to deal with right? if i don't work it out with her, will she just show up as some other shape and form?

megan

boy, do i hear you. very good question.

i've always been a good listener too. in fact, i attract people who don't even know me and they tell me all their problems. i have always thought of it as a service to others type of thing, that really comes quite naturally to me.

i also have a job where i listen to people's problems a good portion of the day, plus i have a close friend who has nothing but problem after problem.

it can be overwhelming some days, can't it? :eek:

since your job works well around your schedule and you would like to keep it, is there no way to tell this person that you have to work and do not have time to listen?

to me, you already sound like you are a patient person and a good listener. what do you think the lesson here could be for you to have to put up with this person?

i'm actually interested as well in the responses of others because, as i said, i feel that listening to people is a sto thing to do and, yet, at the same time, it can take over your life.

maybe we should take a clue from kelly. ;)

[Magical_Mongoose]

i've been trying to cut off toxicity and negativity from my life, but you'll always find yourself in situations where it definitely won't be lotusland. actually, my part-time job is a highly negative environment but i try to carry a positive vibe as much as possible, and just be conscientious of what i'm feeling...so when there's a "foreign" influence, i can feel it and divert its energy. or when somebody needs to share their story, i'm open to their feelings and can hopefully share some words and your energy/source to help them in whatever small, or large issue, they may be experiencing. but i find more and more, people are becoming aware of the "deeper" things that are troubling them and will outrightly tell you...like they've become their own psychiatrist but can't help themselves.
but there's only so much you can do...you just have to play your part, carry that intention/presence within you, and eventually, achieve a state of non-duality that will completely break down the walls and mazes that have estranged us from each other and infinity.
but in the meantime, you'll need to patch up energy leaks; relationships with negative people and hidden addictions, both internalized and externalized. the more you're able to do this, you'll live the shift. as you patch your boat up more and more, you can assume the ship-builder mentality, lending a vessel so people can feel more free and open, and really explore the waters of consciousness but within that state of discipline and clarity, so we don't sink the fleet in the process.
we need rest and support for this kind of endeavor, but especially not in a messianic sense, as you'll be undermined, but simply doing your part in anchoring love/light. but you have to accept the responsibility and git r done, however small or grand your mission may be. it's all important.
from what i've realized in myself, i can go between both polarities pretty rapidly...like my mind switches into "calculate" machiavelli-mode when i'm in certain environments, especially in group situations where it can feel so "good" to go within that mindset. but it feels even better when you really start to love people for who they are, however disgruntled they may be and how much pain they carry. i've chosen to remain within those groups, at least for the time being, to test my navigational abilities ;) as new groupings form.
but i'm not joking about this: some people you cannot help, but you'll feel this intuitively. you'll try, but it'll drain you entirely. but beneath the layers and masks, you can feel that light within people and perhaps that'll be the harmonizing force when people begin to sense this.
sometimes you'll have that responsibility to speak up or do something to shift the surrounding energy when it's called upon you: to be a trend setter to the positive. right now, we're cutting the ropes with people, experiences/catalysts we've outgrown as the winds blow us towards the sun. it's important to do this not out of spite or guilt, because that's a further attachment, but loving them for teaching you in whatever unspoken way they did. anyways, all the power to you...approaching gateway momentarily ;)

[meganarline]

thanks for the wise and inspiring answers.


but it feels even better when you really start to love people for who they are, however disgruntled they may be and how much pain they carry. i've chosen to remain within those groups, at least for the time being, to test my navigational abilities


i've always been a good listener too. in fact, i attract people who don't even know me and they tell me all their problems. i have always thought of it as a service to others type of thing, that really comes quite naturally to me.

this is the whole deal. i am thinking that when she worked there before i came to know her as a drama queen and basically expected that kind of behaviour from her when i saw her. i would listen to her and sympathise with her but i wouldn't actually try to visualize the spark of the divine in her.

and now that it has been two years since i last saw her i now have a whole new perspective. i really did not try to love her for who she is and when i think about her situation i am thinking that she probably hasn't had a lot of people do just that. i have noticed the love she has for her family but i wonder if she really has any love at all for herself.

so i guess thats what i've got to do. step up to the plate and mirror to her the creator that she is. and i will


be a trend setter to the positive.
but beneath the layers and masks, you can feel that light within people and perhaps that'll be the harmonizing force when people begin to sense this.

she probably doesn't really have any one else she can talk to so it might as well be me.

thanks everyone,

i will let you know how it goes!

megan

[kac527]

wow... talk about wisdom and compassion. how many places are there on this world-wide-web where one can basically spill their guts and be vulnerable without fear? not many... we have a very, very special place here and we owe it all to our moderators who work so hard to keep the sanctity of this forum in tact. thank you moderators!!! you are loved and appreciated by all of us (even tho you've bounced a few of my posts back, i deserved it :)

back to my comment on wisdom and compassion, thank you to all for your words. i am making progress, a little late but better late than never. i definitely need better boundaries but that too is coming easier. you said it best manny:
"sounds like maybe you haven't quite made peace with yourself. don't worry too much about what they think, because you have no control over that. i'm pretty sure they don't "hate" you, tho, 'cause you seem like a really sweet person." (thanks manny, you are too)

yep... big problem of mine, always worried that i'm going to hurt someone's feelings or that they won't like me. where in the heck did that come from?

transiten wrote:
"perhaps you could track down this fear you have from early childhood. it often helps to understand from where the feelings emanate. then you must do the work and process of going through the feelings, release them, forgive yourself and your friends and "let it be, let it be let it be, let it be. speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

yes! i do but how? maybe go to a hypnotist just to get it cleared up? how about during my meditations? maybe if i ask where the root of this lies i will be shown. i'll try it.

and transiten again:
"if you allow pple to hurt you, you hurt yourself, and since we're all part of creation you must put healthy boundaries. that is a gift to your ex-friends so they can grow too. if you love them, set them free, otherwize your risk ending up hating them."

absolutely 100% correct my friend...

i realize that the forgiveness part is the root of it all. when i was in la at the expo i kept getting this message over and over again... it seemed that everywhere i turned someone was talking about the importance of forgiving yourself. i just need to figure out what i need to forgive myself for, or do i? maybe it doesn't matter. maybe forgiveness for trying to play god and fix everyone's problems...? that may be it. that's a biggie and it can get you in hot water fast with no way out. i've been there plenty of times and it sucks.

kris said:

"i think unless these two friends are still trying to contact you, you should just forgive yourself and them and move forward. however, if they are still trying to contact you, perhaps you should try to explain your reasoning. perhaps they can learn from it. it may open the door for an interesting discussion."

yes, yes, yes... no need to explain unless confronted, at which point i would gladly share the truth about what i feel.

i'm amazed at how empowered i feel by the sage advice each and every one of you has shared. i have a lot to "chew" on and i thank you.

blessings and love to all,
kelly

[jgalbra1]

i have formed many toxic relationships throughout my life. looking back at my childhood i was very fragile and sweet and had all the signs of a wanderer especially food allergies. then in middle school and high school i must have switched polarities as i became convinced that the only way to compensate for my fragility was to harden myself and "play the game". i got into exercising and succeeded in acclamating myself to a denser diet and lots of beer and other substances i put on alote of muscle and got into fights and started to party and such. now in my mid twenties i realize i never succeeded in anything at all and in reality forged ties with many toxic or negative people and scenerios. luckily some of my friends made it out and are doing rather well but we still think we need to get plastered to hang out. this is a very good topic and i think one of the hardest ones to cope with. some of them get it that i am trying to change but for others it just makes them push my buttons a little harder.